Cobra Kai: After Fight Breaks Out at Strip Mall, Local Man Questions Whether White Men Without Guns are Dangerous

By Emilia Barrett

SAN FERNANDO–After a fight broke out outside his bodega, DaSean Lopez found himself evaluating customers differently.

“Before when a man came in looking all broken, buying domestic [beer] it wasn’t a thing. No one looked twice [at him]. Then these kids, he just lays into them.”

“It definitely changed my perspective.”

Lopez said that he had served the unidentified man in his fifties for years. “Said his name was Johnny. Have you ever met a grown man named Johnny? I mean, you got good Jonathans, and some okay Johns, but Johnny? I can’t imagine what that name would do to a grown man.”

Lopez went on to iterate his dismay of Johnny discovering the hard work he had done in the past. “Nowadays, no one wants to work for nothing. They feel bad they just want to pick up a gun. Go all Fortnite Halo. This guy, he’s done years of work on this karate and if he discovers that work ethic transfers, that it ain’t all about entitlement, maybe it’ll start catching. White people’ll start being entrepreneurs at the rate of minorities like Asians and Mexicans. What’ll small businesses do?”      

Lopez said appropriation of another culture’s work ethic concerns him deeply. “A white man with an appropriated Japanese sun headband on it, selling cars like a ninja. They’ll take everything from anyone. This karate situation in the valley, it’s making the whole world dangerous. Need, I don’t know, background checks. Something.”

When asked for comment, an officer with the San Fernando Police department, who asked to remain anonymous, said the department did not have a record of a fight outside Lopez’s bodega. “We actually don’t patrol that side of town. It’s been unofficial policy since the 90s. I think there was a riot, or something?” 

Categories: Satire, TV shows

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