Breaking: Tom Brady Digs up Clone Corpses, Drops first Game of Season to Ravens

By Emilia Barrett

Ben Franklin once said, “Early to be bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” In the case of Tom Brady, whose famously restrictive diet and lifestyle focuses on family and fitness first, Franklin perhaps should have added one more thing: cloning. 

For the past eight seasons, Brady has been a secret client of an unassuming massage parlor in a New Jersey strip mall. “There’s nothing like it. When I leave I feel energized, younger. Whatever toxins have accumulated throughout the week are purged,” Tom said in January, before the Netflix show, Living with Yourself, a dramatized expose, revealed the ugly truth behind the parlor’s success with A-list clientele. “Their treatment is revolutionary.”

Revolutionary indeed. For the hefty fee of $50k, customers report greater levels of focus and concentration, increased confidence, and athletic abilities. Unbeknownst to clients, the parlor uses cloning with advanced memory transfer to deliver the experience of complete rejuvenation on the cellular level. The question is, of course, what happens to the original bodies?

Brady found that answer and, unsurprisingly, has questions of his own. “Was it me or my clone that won those last four Super Bowls?” he said just before that now famous photo was taken of him holding a shovel next to the shallow grave that held his former body. In the photo, crescent moons of dirt shone from under his fingernails and clear plastic wrap was strewn about his legs like the ghosts of defensive linemen. 

One has to wonder if there is *another* asterisk next to Brady’s illustrious career.

When questioned on the ethics of the situation, Brady offered little doubt that he hoped his achievements will be memorialized with more dignity than his former body. “My DNA still won those championships. My memories, how to read defenses, is in this head. That’s what makes me great.” 

Despite such bravado, it’s clear he feels a certain amount of guilt, or perhaps confusion. “It’s my duty to explain, to set the record straight. I’m a role model. People need to know that even though I did this–yes, I was unaware–it doesn’t mean it’s okay for anyone to do.”

Living with Yourself does indeed explain. Starring Paul Rudd (and featuring a Brady cameo), the show documents the now infamous case of when the massage parlor failed to dispose of the original DNA inhabiting vessel–resulting in their client being doubled. Rudd’s character must compete with himself on all levels, vying for the affections of his wife and the laudation of coworkers, all of which seem to prefer the new, improved version of himself. 

“I’ve always said the only person who can defeat Tom Brady is Tom Brady,” said Tom Brady.  

But therein lies the ethical dilemma: is cloning oneself an unfair advantage that should be added to the NFL’s infamous list of PED’s? 

“I guess I’m a clone,” Brady said, sitting at his locker after the Raven’s game, his squad’s first loss of the 2019 season. After undergoing weekly treatments for the last 8 seasons–his last a few weeks ago–it’s unclear how much longer his career will last.

“I’ve played longer than almost anyone. Or, someone has played longer. Maybe I’ve only played this season… I need to talk to Giselle.”

The Patriots fell to 8-1.

Living with Yourself is streaming now on Netflix. 

Categories: Satire, TV shows

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