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Breaking: Jeff Bezos Unmasked as Skeksis, Accused of Draining Essence of Indie Publishers

By Emilia Barret

In a shocking turn of events Monday, Jeff Bezos was unmasked as the syphilitic-nosed Lord of the Skeksis. 

“He has been draining the essence of indie publishers for years,” one source said. “They make it so easy for some authors, those rejected by traditional publishers, to find an audience, that they were willing to turn Aughra’s blind eye to their practices.”

Fledgling (Gelfling) authors found they sold more books on Amazon, and it’s true that digital readers buy more books than non-digital readers, yet it became clear that something was amiss when authors started scrutinizing the Unlimited program, the charge-for-library-card service Amazon readers love.

“My royalties vanished,” one source claimed. “Their very essence drained all to fuel Amazon’s seeming immortality.”

Confronting the source, one indie publisher found themselves stripped nearly naked and laughed at. “I tried sacrificing a few to save the many,” they said while begging for mercy.

“The age of traditional publishing has come to an end,” Indie publishers said in unison, threaders clinging to their cheeks as they marched toward shackles waiting for them at the base of the Dark Crystal. “We are the ascendancy. We are Amazonthim.”

Jeff Bezos and Aughra refused to comment. 

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